We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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