Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
