when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And the cops told us we were all naked.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
