If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
