did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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