the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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