Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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