Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
