im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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