Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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