In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
