He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
