dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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