Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
