I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
