No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
