And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She's the barista slut.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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