Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
