we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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