just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
