I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
