i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
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my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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