you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
