I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
