Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
