I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
