she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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