I just saw a hot homeless man
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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