Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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