I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
