I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
