Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
