in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
