you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
