fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
