I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
