Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
