Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
