it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
