I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've blown a few things in my day
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
