Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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