all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
