Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
