Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
