mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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