Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
