Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
please come you make the beer taste better
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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