Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The air taste purple.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
