Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
