Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
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I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"