Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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