I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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