Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
