My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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