I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
