I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you still have your period?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
